Letters to Montgomery Clift I: BABY OH BABY

I bought a book. It cost over ten dollars, which was a lot of money for a kid. I bought it because it was about Monty. His face was on the cover. BABY OH BABY. I kept The Films of Montgomery Clift under my pillow when I slept. I kept it in my backpack when I went to school, walking with Robert close by.

BABY OH BABY, I thought, when I thought of Mr. Clift.

"Bong, please get me some Scotch tape", Mr. Lopez said. But he had to say it three times before I heard him.

BABY OH BABY, I thought when I kissed the book, a yellow book with Monty's exquisite face on top. Monty dressed in a suit, his warm eyes staring straight at me. Two creases were on his forehead and his hair was combed back, a sheen atop his head. Even though paper was what I felt on my lips, I kissed the book anyway.

"Bong! Get out of that bathroom! Ay, sose, it doesn't take that long to do what you gotta do!" Auntie Yuna screamed. I put The Films of Montgomery Clift in my backpack and walked out like nothing happened.

BABY OH BABY, I thought when I pressed myself against my pillow, imagining him.

BABY OH BABY, I whispered in the dark, alone.

I held myself. I didn't know what I was doing, but it felt good. Up and down.

I pressed against my pillow.

I held myself between my fingers. Tightly. Up and down.

I felt a grinding, an unscrewing. A knot being untied. It began down there. Starting from that loose patch of skin between my legs. I shook. And shook. And shook. And shook.

My white Fruit of the Loom underwear was no longer white. More gray. From the wetness that came from me. I threw my underwear away so no one could ever know what I did. What we did.

Mr. Clift. Montgomery. Montgomery Clift.

I discovered what BABY OH BABY really ment.

* Letters to Montgomery Clift, Noël Alumit, p. 23.